This article is for the husbands, boyfriends, spouses, or sexual partners of anyone using a form of fertility awareness for pregnancy prevention.
Charting cycles for pregnancy prevention is a big life change, especially for the female charter. While the charter has to learn to interpret their cycles, it is fundamental that they have a supportive partner in the process.
So, What is Fertility Awareness?
Fertility awareness involves tracking one or more bio-markers of the female cycle. These bio-markers include: cervical mucus, basal body temperature, cervical position, urinary hormones, and cycle start dates. The bio-markers are used to draw a fertile window. Fertility awareness has been studied scientifically for nearly a hundred years. There are a plethora of studies on the topic. Click here to read the 2018 Overview of FABMs. In general, you can expect approximately 98 to 99% efficacy across all modern fertility awareness methods.
Your partner will be tracking based on whatever method she chooses. A method is a way of categorizing bio-markers. For example, I teach the Billings Ovulation Method. This method tracks the bio-marker cervical mucus along with sensation felt at the vulva.
One of the first things you will learn when charting is that MALES ARE FERTILE 24/7. Females are fertile only cyclically, and on average the fertile window will be for less than 1/3rd of the female menstrual cycle.
In the beginning, there is sometimes a steep learning curve with tracking these signs. Your partner may forget to check cervical mucus at every restroom break or they may be erratic in taking their temperatures. Your role at this time is be supportive. If you are living with your partner, you can help remind her to take her temperature upon first waking (if they are choosing to chart this sign!) You may also want to take part in keeping the chart.
While it is relatively rare for the partner to help chart, it is encouraged that you learn how to help classify her fertility signs or read the chart if possible. In the very least, you need to learn to respect your partner’s fertile window and not expect to ejaculate inside the vagina in the fertile window. I’m being blunt here. You will get used to “TMI” with charting! You can learn to understand the cycle by taking a class together. This is a great activity for bonding, and so that you have more equal responsibility in your family planning.
An easy way to get involved in your partner’s charting routine is to use a paper chart. I keep a paper chart on the bedside table. It is always visible. My chart is pretty easy for my partner to read because the “baby” symbols mean possible fertility. You could do this with any method. Sit down together when you record the observations. Have your partner to explain what the fertility status of the day means.
But Why Would I Attend a Class or Learn About Charting if I’m NOT the Female Partner?
Because you want to be a good, supportive partner!
When you understand your partner’s chart, you understand the chance of pregnancy that you both have. This can prevent mistakes from occurring if there is more than one set of eyes on the chart. When you become attuned to your partner’s menstrual cycle, you will also begin to realize why their mood might change throughout the cycle. This is fantastic for relationship communication. Your partner is not perfect. They may make mistakes when charting. Two is better than one for catching these!!
How Will We Avoid Pregnancy in the Fertile Window?
One of the first things you will learn when reading a fertility awareness book or taking a class is that you are expected to abstain from penis-in-vagina sex in the fertile window.
The reason for this is simple: it is only possible to get pregnant in the fertile window.
If you have penis-in-vagina sex in the fertile window, there will always be a chance of pregnancy. If you are avoiding pregnancy, this means that sex in the fertile window could result in an unintended pregnancy.
During this time, it is suggested that the couple work on other aspects of the relationship. Go on dates, cuddle, talk, play games.
If you decide to break the rules by having sex, you should be prepared for the possibility of pregnancy.
For Catholics, this is the only “licit” option for the fertile window.
For non-Catholics, oral sex and sex involving hands is safe in the fertile window as long as no semen ever gets near the vulva or the vagina. If semen touches this area, pregnancy can occur.
To determine how you will proceed in the fertile window, you and your partner should place yourself on the intentions scale. In the context of fertility awareness, intentions means how open you are to pregnancy.
The basic possible intentions follow. Select which is most appropriate to you as a couple. TTA means “Trying to Avoid” a Pregnancy.
TTA Seriously Avoiding: For these people, an unintended pregnancy may be devastating, whether to health, the relationship, or finances. A pregnancy is being avoided very strictly. These people should adhere to the rules of their method as closely as possible.
TTA Regular Avoiding: For these people, pregnancy is being avoided and the rules are followed. A pregnancy wouldn’t be convenient, but it would not endanger their life.
TTA Loosely Avoiding: For these people, a broken rule isn’t the end of the world. They may do strategic risk-taking like breaking rules on the cusp of the fertile window, or using something like the withdrawal method in the fertile window. They are not actively seeking a pregnancy, but they are okay with some chance of it happening.
TTW Whatever Happens: For these people, pregnancy would be okay whenever it happens. They break whatever rules they want. They aren’t actively timing sex for the most fertile days, but it might happen.
TTC Trying to Conceive: For these people, the rules do not have to be followed. They actively try to have sex in the fertile window.
You and your partner should discuss this scale and decide where you land before utilizing the fertility awareness method for sex.
What If We Decide to Use Barriers in the Fertile Window?
Remember, while you are fertile 24/7, your female partner is not. It is really important that if you are avoiding pregnancy that you respect your partner’s fertile window.
Some couples decide to use condoms, the withdrawal method, or diaphragms in the fertile window.
The most likely time for a barrier to fail is in your fertile window. After all, you aren’t using them at the other times of the cycle.
I personally believe that a couple has the right to make an informed choice in the fertile window. In particular, the male partner should realize that he is the one putting on the condom or pulling out. If he fails to do either correctly, a pregnancy can result. If you use these methods, do the research and inform yourself about how to use them correctly and what their efficacy is. If you are okay with this risk, you can use barrier methods. At the point you use a barrier method – you are outside of correct use for the fertility awareness method. Always remember that. An unintended pregnancy would be classified as a user error or barrier method failure.
How Long Does it Take to Practice Fertility Awareness Confidently?
On average, you will want to do at least 3 to 6 cycles of follow-up with an instructor to be completely autonomous and confident in charting. When you work with an instructor, you may be able to start utilizing the method to avoid pregnancy as sooln as the first cycle charting! (This is assuming that your partner has been diligent in their charting).
If you have PCOS, are coming off hormonal birth control, or are breastfeeding, you may need close instruction for longer. The Billings Ovulation Method recommends following up until the third ovulatory cycle postpartum. This could take a year or more if fully breastfeeding.
To Male Partners: What Advice Would You Give Male Partners Who Are New To Fertility Awareness?
These responses are taken from a 2019 survey I did on the male partners of FAM users. Enjoy!
“At first it seems backwards since science has a simple fix for conception: hormonal birth control. Some women are fine on hormonal birth control. Some can be really crazy on it. With some women, it can even kill their sex drive. With mine, she becomes so crazy that it kills both of our sex drives. So we’re doing this weird fertility awareness thing. Here’s my advice if you have a woman like mine. Even though she’s so beautiful and sexy that you just want to risk ejaculating in her to possibly get her off, you can’t do it with this. Yes, it puts more pressure on you to wear a condom and/or pull out, but at least your wife isn’t batshit crazy. And she’s still horny. So it’s worth it. Plus you learn a lot about the female body because I guarantee she’ll keep you up at night telling you about it lol. So don’t complain. We’re still getting laid. Unlike our friends who’s wives are on the pill or IUD. It just puts more pressure on us to prevent a baby. If she gets pregnant again, it’s probably our fault with this. And I’m ok with that. War Eagle!”
“You will wish you had always known this information. Test your pre-cum under a microscope for sperm if you are going to use withdrawal.”
“Knowledge is power and pleasure.”
“To do the research to fully understand the anatomy and physiology which will give you confidence in trusting the fertility awareness method.”
“Good luck m’a friend.”
“Embrace it.”
“Don’t be afraid to ask questions!”
“Be patient and understanding whilst always at least attempting to understand the technicalities surrounding the practice of the method.”
“Listen.”
“Read as much information as you can and stay informed.”
“Trust your partner, but do some cursory research as well. You both need to understand it to trust it.”
“Learn the actual science (as in the research literature) behind these technologies. Much of the medical establishment unfortunately has both insufficient and badly-outdated knowledge about FAM. Also, such will only be successful if the couple are both wholly on-board and possess the necessary knowledge, discipline, and self-control to utilize the method(s) correctly, whether trying to conceive or to avoid.”
“Get ya woman on it like yesterday.”
“Talk to your significant other and learn from her.”
“Learn about which days are the best to get pregnant; if you want to get pregnant together there is a way to learn the best days with a good degree of certainty. I think other men could benefit from learning this information about their partner.”
“Learn how the world works, and use that knowledge.”
“Listen to your woman and trust what she says about her observations. It’s not like the guy is the one using the method, but it’s good to be aware of it.”
“If you think it’s burdensome, remember the health and relationship benefits far outweigh the daily minor inconveniences. Encourage your SO to do the research to make sure they’re doing it right as well.”
“Shut up, pay attention.”
“If you are concerned about the well being of your partner, you’re more likely to succeed in supporting her and have an involved role in fulfilling both your reproductive goals through fertility awareness.”
“Be patient.”
“Take a lesson yourself or attend one with your partner, you are only going to trust it if you understand how it works yourself. When you actually see that it makes sense, it’s not some weird alternative thing, you can trust it a lot more.”
More Resources for Male Partners
Crash Courses in FAM
“The Rules of the Sympto-Thermal Method of Fertility Awareness” by Jennifer Aldoretta
This resource is a simple overview of the rules with examples. It links to other resources on understanding the female and male reproductive system. This is a good, fairly quick read for men who want to understand the basic rules.
“Natural Contraception: Why I Haven’t Used Birth Control in Over a Year” by Jessie Brebner
Jessie discusses her symptoms that lead her to stop taking hormonal birth control. She then does a brief overview of how the fertility signs change throughout the cycle and how sperm life plays into fertility.
Men and NFP/FAM
“Straight Talk on NFP, Man to Man” by Couple to Couple League
This is a Catholic resource. Religious men may find this resource useful.
“Why Men Resent Natural Family Planning” by Gerard Migeon
This also leans religious but may be useful for men who are having trouble adjusting to avoiding unprotected sex in the fertile window.
“Use of Natural Family Planning (NFP) and Its Effect on Couple Relationships and Sexual Satisfaction: A Multi-Country Survey of NFP Users from US and Europe.” Front Public Health. 2017; 5: 42. Published online 2017 Mar 13. doi: 10.3389/fpubh.2017.00042
This is a recent scientific article that studied the effect of NFP on relationships.
“Fertility Charting: What’s a Guy to Do?” by Valerie Pokorny
How can men help with charting? How can they be supportive?
Leslie at Chart Your Fertility 